Slayergrrl
12-06-2002, 11:27 AM
This is great! Ecspecially with New Years Eve coming up. Thought i'd share. <img border="0" alt="[ROFL]" title="" src="graemlins/rofl.gif" />
Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some
troubling factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours...your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling
(different than beer goggling,
which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you
always seem to be there
when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer with the game, and
you're even there around the holidays, with a touch
of cinnamon, you
warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your
intentions. You see, I want
to believe that you've got my best interests in
mind, but I feel that your
influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed
below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and
though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat
mashed potatoes with
barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some
stale corn chips
(washed
> > down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit
Kat) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer
the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely
unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls)
above, but even if
calling 411 for Matthew McConaughey's number (in
Austin, I believe) IS a
grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended
my ability to spell his
name surely amused the operator. Surprisingly
enough, he didn't seem to be
listed.
5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are
herefore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,
Sombreros, Bows, Ties,
Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from
somewhere, I most likely
do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see
if in fact, I do
actually know that person. This is similar to the
old "Hey, you're in my
class" syndrome circa 1996 at UNC, and should
heretofore be rendered
illegal.
Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out."
While I may be thinking
this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that
would keep this thought
from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.
Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be
in order, but the
2pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of
morning booting) is
completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper
steps are proactively
taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread
products, Advil)
prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the
kitchen with a bag of
pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no
way interfere with
my daily Saturday or Sunday (well, any day)
activities. Come on now, it's
only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some
years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of good
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion
when we just don't know what to do with our extra
quarters in our pockets.
In order to continue this relationship, I ask that
you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no
later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your
possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these
matters,
Lushy Lush
Dear Alcohol,
I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some
troubling factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours...your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling
(different than beer goggling,
which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you
always seem to be there
when needed -- the perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer with the game, and
you're even there around the holidays, with a touch
of cinnamon, you
warm us even when stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your
intentions. You see, I want
to believe that you've got my best interests in
mind, but I feel that your
influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed
below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, and
though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat
mashed potatoes with
barbecue sauce coupled by a veggie corn dog and some
stale corn chips
(washed
> > down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit
Kat) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer
the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely
unnecessary.
4. Spelling Bees: Reference point 1 (Phone Calls)
above, but even if
calling 411 for Matthew McConaughey's number (in
Austin, I believe) IS a
grand idea, the fact that you temporarily suspended
my ability to spell his
name surely amused the operator. Surprisingly
enough, he didn't seem to be
listed.
5. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are
herefore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs,
Sombreros, Bows, Ties,
Boxes, upside-down cups, bras.
6. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from
somewhere, I most likely
do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see
if in fact, I do
actually know that person. This is similar to the
old "Hey, you're in my
class" syndrome circa 1996 at UNC, and should
heretofore be rendered
illegal.
Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's Make Out."
While I may be thinking
this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that
would keep this thought
from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.
Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be
in order, but the
2pm Hangover Immobility (and the new-found-trend of
morning booting) is
completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper
steps are proactively
taken on my part (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread
products, Advil)
prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the
kitchen with a bag of
pretzels, the hangover to be quite minimal and in no
way interfere with
my daily Saturday or Sunday (well, any day)
activities. Come on now, it's
only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some
years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of good
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion
when we just don't know what to do with our extra
quarters in our pockets.
In order to continue this relationship, I ask that
you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no
later than Thursday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on your
possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you for your prompt attention to these
matters,
Lushy Lush